Jackie

brink

2011-12-18T01:23:00.001+08:00

what if i cant take it anymore?

when life is at its total brink, no one should push it. should anyone do, you fall. what happens when you fall? you explode. is it possible then to keep the explosion to yourself?

technology masks

2011-09-18T01:30:00.002+08:00

when was the last time you actually had fun?

when was the last time you threw a pity party?

when was the last time you had time?

who's the one confused now?

2011-09-07T01:37:00.002+08:00

there are many things in life that deceive you... how long does it take for a dog to bite back after it barks?

===========================================

Cold, shivering in her jacket, Janette sat on the chair in her library with her back towards the entrance. Lunch was at its first few moments and she was still savouring the silence of the library. In front of her lays her Kindle, opened to the page of the book she was reading. Her eyes stayed glued and focused toward the screen, but no words made sense to her. Words from her Kindle seemed to listlessly flow out and slap her one by one, not even giving her time to breathe. Janette's head swirled as her hands gripped the edges of the Kindle tighter.

Her head flashed back to the memory of her mother the day before :

"Janette, you know your dad doesn't want you to sleep in the afternoon because he says it affects your sleep at night..."

"Honestly mum. If it were that simple, I'd be snoring every night."

"Oh come on, Jane ! It IS that simple! Just give you a pillow and you'll sleep through the whole night!" Her mother laughed it off.

Janette could hardly hold on anymore, "You treat this as a joke don't you? You treat me as a joke right? Nothing i say ever made sense to you right? Nothing i say ever registers in your head right?!" Her head boiling over with rage and anger. Disbelief and hurt washed throughout her like a giant tsunami.

"Don't talk to me with that attitude!"

"You don't even know what it does to me! Do you?!"

"Jane, I am warning you! Stop being rude!" Her mother snapped.

"And yet you still complain that I don't share my stories with you." With one harsh gaze, Janette stormed pass her mother, only to put on a large smile to face her cousins and grandparents, her heart filled with hurt and washed over with betrayal.

She gasped as much air as she could as she recalled that memory. Tears stinging in her eyes, she caught a glimpse of her physics test. The one she had nearly failed. She caught a glimpse of her psychology test, the one she had barely passed. Confusion, frustration, anger, rage, hurt, disbelief, vexation rushed through her like nicotine and numbed her completely.

A jingle of a bag and footsteps allowed her to prepare herself to be cheerful once more. In comes Amanda, with the gloomiest of faces. "Hell no! They forgot me totally! They didn't even put my name into the list! I hate this school! I bloodly hell hate the teachers here!"

Other than smiling and patting Amanda, Jane was lost for words. Her heart still swirling with all those emotions, and here she is trying to comfort Amanda. Her tears stinging behind her eyes as she continued to soothe Amanda. By the end of the lunch period, the library had grown louder, irritating and frustration Janette further than she would have imagined. Breathing calmly and methodically, she kept her cool - however Amanda did not. She had complained to Janette all lunch long. The bell's ring had pierced through Janette's ears that momentarily, she had gone deaf.

Her hands moving in an automatic fashion, Janette slowly packed her things. Amanda this time didn't wait for her. Amanda simply walked by her an headed towards the exit. "Manda, wait up." Jane knew it was loud enough for Amanda to hear her. But Amanda didn't even turn around.

"Manda," Jane said again, loudly. Still Amanda didn't turn around. By the time Amanda got to the exit, Amanda didn't even check if Janette was following her or not. She just left. She left Janette feeling alone again. Her parents took her as a joke, her teachers didn't understand her, she was failing her subjects and her own best friend ignored her. She was tired from her lack of sleep, and still haunted by past nightmares. Janette excused herself into the bathroom and ran into a cubicle.

"What the hell..." She whispered. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed quietly, the thought of suicide playing softly at the back of her mind...

what a fake.

2011-08-31T23:41:00.002+08:00

take time to realize....

Janette sat on her chair, her table piled high with her books. Her text books. Just the first month of school, and she was already failing tests? Her hand clutched in a fist, knuckles turning ghostly white, her face grim and firm. A deep sigh losened her up a little as she took out her Post-Its and wrote down one by one the things she needed to do. Soon the wall infront of her was filled. The silence of the room pounded in her ear as she read through again what she needed to do. At the verge of insanity, she had to do something to keep her within the reach of sanity.

At school, Janette had no choice but to keep her cool. She held her failed test in her hands with her head high, comforting Amanda who had also failed. Amanda was at a critical point now, Janette could not let her down, Janette had to anchor her down. How could she let a friend down at the point Amanda needed her? No, Janette had to swallow down her own bitterness and help swallow Amanda's too. Amanda had gone depressed about her scores.

"Jane... I don't know things anymore!"

"It's all going to be fine. Hey, look forward into the future! The grey skies might just clear up?" Janette lied through her teeth. What a liar and hypocrite she felt she was.

Right after school, Janette felt so exhausted that she just fell flat on her bed and slept. Her tiredness got the better of her as her mother woke her up for her music lesson. Anger raged through her as her sleep was disturbed. She ignored every single word her mother had said. This wasn't going to be the first time she had missed her music lesson. Her brain was so clouded with exhaustion she had no idea what she had to do. All she craved for was sleep. Insomnia had ravaged her energy throughout the week. Finally waking up, Kayla appeared.

"Liar, hypocrite, lazy, rude, geeze, Jane, what else are you? Pathetic little crying girl?" She mocked.

"Kayla, I told you you weren't welcomed here! Now get out!"

"Try me." And Kayla just sat on the table playing with her nails.

"You think you know me? You think you know who I am? What I'm going through?!" Janette hissed.

"You think you're the only one who has problems! You're the selfish one! And yeah, I DO know you. I know you better than you know yourself! I know you enough to say that you're a fake! You're nothing but a pathetic little cry baby!"Kayla came in closer with her breath on Jane's face. Jane started to sweat, her heart palpitating, her stomach twisted in a knot, her fists clenched.

"Go Away!" Janette screamed. No one was in the house to hear her scream. By the time she looked up, Kayla was already gone...

With her head still filled with exhaustion, Janette sat up to do her work. Her homework piling up. She sat and started on it. It didn't take her long to hit a wall. Her heart pounded in her ears and her face filled with blood as she stared at the problem. Nothing she read or wrote made sense to her. She couldn't even concentrate anymore. Tears flowed down from her face as she started to breath rapidly. She turned away and faced the window. The night lights of the city were far on the horizon, her breath fogged up the glass as she saw her reflection, with a single tear drop falling down.

Nothing she did would help her feel better. Her work was so overwhelming she can't even read anymore. Honestly, what will be of her in the future?

staying strong, staying firm.

2011-08-24T22:29:00.005+08:00

"Life is but a series of disappointments"

Books strewn all over the room, pencils cluttered the floor, papers filled up the trashbin and papers scattered around the table and bed. There in the corner sat a crumpled Janette. Desperately trying to study, trying to absorb information from the textbooks. Using studying as an excuse, a way out of having her mind wander. But she couldn't. Nothing would go into her brain. Tears sprang down her cheeks as she leaned back, her head swirling with frustration. In her grasp, she clutched the nearest stack of papers. Her frustrations spilling out of her like there's no tomorrow. She swallowed back a scream that was rising in her throat.

A sharp pain snapped her head to her right hand, there a small, fine red line indicated a papercut. She yelped as she threw the papers across the room. Her head in her hands, she could not study in the least, her homework was a mess, she forgot things ever so easily.

"So, how much did you get for your quiz just now?" Amanda asked. Even though Amanda was technically her "best friend", she had no idea what Janette was going through. Janette was the one who was her anchor during her hard times, Janette was the strong one, and she was determined to always be.

"Pretty bad, I suppose... minus 7 points off" Janette shrugged.

"Jane you really have to start studying! Geeze..."

Janette wanted to throw Amanda off her feet, and pound on her. She blinked back her tears and just nodded ever so slightly. "Yeah... I gotta start studying..."

In her next class, she had to whisper to Amanda "Hey, hey, what's the answer for this one?"

"Its 'D', Jane. Didn't you study for this quiz?"

"Naw, I was real busy last night. Damn I forgot about this quiz..." The childish statement fell from her lips before Janette could even stop herself. And something hit her. Not only was she pathetic, she was a liar too. To her own best friend. Excusing herself to the bathroom, Janette had a close look of her face. Red dots under her eyes are now raised little bumps. her right cheek was full of little tiny raised bumps, and was rough, patchy.

Tears scrolled down as she touched her own face. A pathetic, ugly liar she was. She was tempted to purge once more. However there wasn't enough lunch inside of her anyway. How she loathed herself. Her pathetic self.

By night, Kayla always visited her. But her visits were full of rage and mockery towards Janette. Janette would harshly whisper "Kayla get out of my house!!" , but Kayla wouldn't. Janette couldn't scream either, no one else was supposed to know that Kayla was in the house. "Jane, you can't even get rid of me. How pathetic. You can't even concentrate anymore! Geeze, something's wrong with youuuuuu~ Who knows, maybe you have a disease! All you do now is puke puke puke, no duh your face is a mess now! Awww... you want to stop purging? Bet you a whole lifetime that you can't stop! you're nothing but a coward! A COWARD YOU HEAR ME?!"

Janette violently shook her head, her hands covering her ears. "NO! I'm NOT a coward! I'm not, I'm not..." She repeated over and over again. Tears wetting her face and homework. Suddenly bright spots appear in her eyes as she stood up. Her ears numbed out and she can't feel her own limbs. She gave in to the darkness and fell, out cold on the floor, her head missing the edge of the table by centimetres.

The monster inside of you

2011-08-21T13:38:00.007+08:00

~~"THeives ! LIARS! CHeats! they're nothing but words, not promises. they're nothing but lies, not truths. what was once real, might now be fake. i dont know who to trust - no surprise there."~~

Everything pissed her off.

Everyone pissed her off.

Those who are close to her suffered her wrath and frustrations.

Janette couldn't hold it in any further. She'd exploded. She'd purge after every meal, and binge in between. it felt good for her, something she knew she was finally good at. She couldn't blow up at those who wasn't close to her, she just can't. But she did to those around her...

"What's that around your eyes?" Her sister would ask in disgust.

"Just shut up will you?!" She'd snap back. Anger raged through her like a fire in the woods.

"Mommmyyy!! Janette's eye looks gross!"

"Geeze will you just shut the freak up ?!" The fire within her quickly grew into an inferno.

"Janette?" Her mother would ask.

One gaze and Janette stormed away into the bathroom to do what she does best.

Little red dots will appear around and under her eyes, she checked it up, it wasn't a rash. It was just due to her purging. It had put loads of pressure on her eyes, popping the tiny blood vessels. A small price she paid to do what she was doing now.

Her mouth once more filled with the dirty feeling as she released everything out. Her body pumping with adrenaline as her stomach knotted out its fillings through the gullet and into the toilet. Snapping her head up she saw her reflection in the mirror. Gasping and panting for breath, she sniffed her nose and rubbed away the tears in her eyes from the purging. The girl in the reflection wasn't very pretty, she knew it was definitely her. For the first time she realized the dots around her eyes, the swelling of the nose, Janette ran back into her room and sat down, brusting into tears.

She rocked herself back and forth, comforting herself, "no one's perfect. no one's perfect."

A red line caught her eye as she cradled her left arm. It was still throbbing a dull pain since yesterday. A perfect, red, swollen line. The more she looked at it, the more she felt so angry, upset, frustrated. In her rage, she scratched away the top scab. Closing her mouth just in time to not let out a yelp of pain. Blood started to flow again. Blood mixed with tears. She concentrated on the pain of her arm. At least it was better than what she felt inside of her. A monster crept within her, ready to pounce out and show itself to the world. She sat there, silent, containing herself.

A bag of chips caught her eye, along with some candies, snacks, chocolates and drinks she had stuffed into her bag earlier. Gingerly, she reached out to it. Eating them ravishly just to purge them out again later...

Fairytales don't come true.

2011-08-05T09:35:00.005+08:00

a falling star isnt a star at all. its just a big chunk of useless rock that falls into the atmosphere and burns up. its useless to pin hopes onto something that isnt even real. because waiting for it, is like waiting for the rain in this drought - useless and disappointing .

she sat on the couch just waiting for something to happen. Once again unexplained tears made it to her eyes as she leaned over the couch to stare into the light - a little trick she'd picked up over the months. When you stare into the light long enough, your tears won't fall. Furiously blinking helps, but not too much. She has to be strong, she'd broken down countless times already, even Kayla was mocking her. How did she managed to cry all the time now? Wasn't she supposed to be the anchor? The strongest one? Her friends needed her. She simply cannot let them down...

Janette pushed back her thoughts and sent an email to her friend. Kayla appeared next to her, making her jump. "Oh! Kayla," Janette huffed.

"Hey crybaby."

"Don't call me that!"

"Really? Who's been the one crying all the time now? Who's been the one sobbing like an idiotic little girl? Who's the one binging? Who's the one whose thoughts have never been anything but 'don't cry don't cry' ? Honestly Janette, you're the weakest girl I've ever met in my entire life!" And just like that, Kayla disappeared.

"I'm not a crybaby! I don't binge! I'm anything but weak! I'm stronger than you think! I am!" Janette clutched her head and screamed out the words one by one. Sweat pouring off her forehead, she stifled a sob. The bile on the back of her throat made her feel so sick.

"I hate this..." in fact, Janette hated her real self. She hated herself because her real self could wish her friends never existed. Her real self could feel irritated when she met others better than herself. Her real self could hate others when they could smile and lead normal lives. Her real self could eat 1/4 of a cereal box, a whole large pack of MnMs and a whole loaf of bread. Who eats a whole loaf of bread?! Janette ran to the bathroom and tried to resist the tears. She stuck a finger into the back of her throat and gagged everything out. She gagged until her ears went deaf, her face numb and her nose runny. She felt worse, but at least this time she could put her finger on what was making her feel horrible...

get out. now.

2011-08-03T06:51:00.005+08:00

you can just tell when someone is really interested, or just faking it. you can just tell if someone's being an imposter or being real. you can just tell if someone really likes you for you, or just using you. you can just tell... you just can....

Janette stuffed her iPod into her ears, choosing to have rock music blast through them rather than the soothing classical ones she normally listens to. She lets her hair fall down and become a barrier between the left and right of her face and the environment. Her fringe hung low, becoming a curtain between the eyes and the environment. Her head drooped, choosing to stare at the pavement rather than in front. She hugs her file tightly as if her chest would explode otherwise. Her head swirled with emotions she can't even begin to comprehend.

It started to scare her, where did she get all this anger from?

How did it get to her?

All she wanted to do was scream.

She walked down the hill, one hand clutching her file, the other covering her nose and mouth. Tears stung her eyes as she furiously blinked them back. Her cheeks became flush as she continued to walk. Frustration building in her like a shaken bottle of CocaCola. "What's wrong?" Suddenly Kayla was next to her. Even in another country, Kayla followed her.

"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!" Janette muffled through her hand. Her voice breaking and her whole self crumbling. All of a sudden, she nearly tripped over a stone on the pavement. That small moment that Janette felt right before she regained posture, that adrenalin rush that goes into a nearly tripped episode, it never left her. Her heart raced uncontrollably, she started perspiring and her breathing stopped. Her muscles tense as her hands started to shake. She dropped her file and just sat on the pavement.

"Janette! Janette talk to me! Janette!" Kayla screamed.

Janette won't respond. Her mind just went absolutely blank. Suddenly her brain kicked in and she started gasping for air. Her breath short and in pants. She still can't breathe, her hands gripped the sides of her head, handfuls of hair in her grip. Her shoulders shuddered violently as she sobbed it out. Nothing could stop the tears from flowing down, nothing could make her feel better. Nothing could make her stop crying, nothing could make her feel together. She felt as if her whole world had fallen apart again. All her hardwork of trying to keep it together, at least it collapsed within the thick walls she had built...

"Janette honey, stop. Stop. You're being nothing but a crybaby! Just. Shut. Up, Janette!" Kayla screamed, but nothing she said would get into Janette's ears. No one was around. No one could help. Janette felt like she had been hit by a truck, unable to breathe.

It took a while, but soon her heart calmed down and her breathing became normal. Her head couldn't wrap around what happened, but she could care less. Nothing really mattered to her anymore. And just like that, Kayla was no where to be found.

a motif ; a theme

2011-07-27T02:38:00.005+08:00

its never something you can tell others about.

She screams as she saw the gun being pointed to her friend. Without any more thinking, she leaped forward and violently disengaged herself from her holder and rushed towards her friend. Putting herself between her friend and the gun, she kicked away the gun and its handler. Her mind started to swirl and she can't seem to grasp the floor properly. A throb in her head made her realize how hard she had hit the wall to protect her friend.

"NO!" a blood curdling scream filled the room she could barely open her eyes : just in time to see her friend being dragged away. Using all the effort she could muster up, she tried to stand up, to fight back. To not be overcome by a concussion. Her eyes stung as blood dripped down her forehead and her mouth overwhelmed with the taste of salt and iron.

Suddenly she felt something drilling her head. A hole. She could feel her brain being sucked away literally, as she fought back against it. another bloodcurdling scream filled the room. A jolt of reality told her it was her own scream.

Janette sat upright in her bed, her eyes red, her face and body wet, her hair tangled and her heart racing. She pulled her legs together and closed her eyes. It took a while, but soon reality sunk into her. Her shoulders shook as she comforted herself. No, she can't make a lot of noise, her parents are still asleep. her siblings are still asleep too. Tension rose in her as she bit her lip to keep from screaming or sobbing. A tension she has no other way but to let out. It spilled out of her as she lied back down , letting her tears flow silently out of her eyes and letting the pillow soak it all up...

my new friend

2011-07-15T02:23:00.005+08:00

there comes a time, when you don't even know why you do the things you do. it becomes that of a habit than a significance. because somewhere along the line, it lost its meaning. you continue to do it for the sake of doing it. its when you realize that what you've been doing is something you've been convincing yourself that its the right thing to do. its the very thing that you've been trying hard bringing to reason that its the correct thing to do. trying to reason with yourself about it. about everything. trying to tell yourself that everything's alright. that everything's the same as it was before. but at the end of the day, its all a lie. who have you got to blame? no one but yourself.

Janette sat up on her bed with her curtain pushed aside. she checked to make sure that the door was locked. her lights are off, from her room, she could hear light snores from her parent's bedroom. checking her clock, it's nearing dawn. a few more hours till the sun would wake up and soon the rest of the world...

she pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them tight, as if expecting her body to explode. her eyes swam in the darkness of the room as she felt her heart beat fast and beads of sweat lined her forehead. her cheeks felt damp and her hair matted on the side of her face. there was no way for her to fall back asleep. not with such a dream she had awoken from. shivering under her covers, she fought back more tears that threatened to fall. "time to be a big girl" she muttered under her breath. she wrapped her covers around her body and scooted over to see the view from her window.

the dark sky was still hanging heavy over the dimly lit streets down below. it was a clear night. she leaned towards the window frame, seeing her breath make fogs at the cool window pane... she closed her eyes and finally for the last time allowed tears to run freely down her face.

"so, do you know what's wrong?"

Janette's head whipped towards the door. it was locked. how did Kayla managed to enter? no matter, she's been doing that alot recently. how did Kayla entered the room she did not know. all she knew was Kayla had helped her so much in the past few months. it was amazing how much Janette had no idea about Kayla's background. neither did she bother. Kayla appeared in her bedroom a couple of months ago, though no one seems to know who Kayla was... Janette smiled stiffly through her wet cheeks and swollen eyes and as quickly as the smile came, it left. she slowly turned her head towards the window again.

"i dont know...", she whimpered. her lips trembling again as they did before. she barely felt arms around her shoulder as she saw Kayla came to her for a hug.

"It'll be over soon, Janette..."

"I don't know... I dont think i know anything anymore" Janette pushed her face into Kayla's shoulders as she sobbed on.

"just remember not to tell anyone about me..." Kayla smiled, "so Janette, tell me everything..."

Janette felt calmness wash through her as she disengaged herself from Kayla and told her everything she felt. Kayla watched her with anticipation and empathy. Janette let out every single frustration and emotion. it had taken her quite some time to notice how wet her face had become. no matter how hard she had tried, her tears never seemed to stop. she went on and on and on. still crying softly, Kayla gently laid her back down to bed and stroke her head, whispering, "It's alright Janette... i'm here, don't be scared alright? i'll stay with you throughout the night..."

with the slightest splash of sun ray on her face, Janette fluttered her eyelids open and found them extremely heavy and swollen. she could hear Kayla, but she couldnt see her anymore. "my dear Janette, stop crying, i'm right here, you can tell me everything..."

resistance

2011-07-13T00:42:00.002+08:00

Tell me that this all means something ;; tell me that there's light at the end ;; tell me that i wont be dying...

even with the sun up high, my mind rages on.

conflicting between my reasoning and feeling.

"The pages of the book, thumbed through a thousand times, looked almost swollen."

tension is building inside ;; steadily

2011-07-10T22:58:00.003+08:00

im not weak. neither am i vulnerable.

"Take everything from the inside, and throw it away"

once you let it take over you, it'll have power over you.

:: Trying not to break, but i'm so tired of this deceit. Everytime i try to make myself get back up on my feet, all i ever think about is this - all the tiring time between ::

lost in a make belief world

2011-07-07T00:38:00.003+08:00

i dont know what im doing. i cant think anymore. i despise sleep now. nothing feels worse than that dream. when you relive the dream every single time you close your eyes. its worse than everything else combined. when it blocks your memory and nothing seems to work out at all. when every sound makes you anxious and paranoid. what was once safe now seems a threat. the lack of concentration, its getting harder to smile at all. im trying. im trying. but the bottle seems to be near explosion. im trying. im trying.

reliving the days

2011-07-05T01:37:00.003+08:00

only now, i've just learned how to deal with it quietly. its still there, but now i know how to push it aside. flashbacks will always be coming back to me, and you wont know how much it burns. but when i reached a certain point;; i feel so tempted, to not feel at all. to go numb. with no emotions what so ever. however when reality checks - i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...

far away

2011-07-03T23:42:00.003+08:00

feeling awkward and foreign - like i don't belong in my own skin. how can i be sure of anything when i'm not even sure about myself now?

going ahead,

one day at a time.

whats infront? no idea.

stare up at the ceiling, just wait for the night to be over.

no worries, just another sleepless night.

you've been through hundreds.

maybe thousands.

the night is silent

the night is lonely

the night is dark

the night is long...

frustrated frustrations

2011-06-28T03:48:00.001+08:00

i want to tell you about it, but i dont.

i want to live, but i dont.

i want to scream it out, but i cant.

i want to trust you, but i cant.

lie in wait...

2011-06-27T01:41:00.006+08:00

her mouth opens, but no sound came out. her heart palpitating as thoughts raced through her mind. millions of thoughts pass through but somehow she lost her ability to put them into sentences. she saw her friend's face turn from hopeful to disappointment. she closed to her mouth, she closed to her eyes. think, think, think. nothing's coming out. concentrate. she flustered, as if her life depended on it. her stomach felt knotted and she almost hurled. by the time she could open her eyes again, she barely said a word as she saw a glimpse her friend turning around the corner. she opened her mouth once more, this time to take in air. but there was no air around. she groped of the walls to balance herself, she needed to gulp for air. her hands went around her throat as if it would magically bring oxygen to herself. her feet stumbled on the ground as her vision spun before her.bright spots in her eyes soon blind her as darkness overcame her

opening your eyes, you struggle to sit up straight. gasping for air as you push your hair aside. the airconditioner blows and you realize where you are. sitting in the dark. waking up for the third time before the dawn could crack. when would this stop?

long shadows from the sunset sky

2011-06-25T03:45:00.003+08:00

awake in the middle of the night

hurry soon my dear,

dawn is fast approaching

close your eyes and breathe.

don't you let any spill out.

sucked into the realm of dreams

stop.

don't wake up again.

you can't afford to wake up again.

you finally got yourself some sleep --

but you ignore.

soon you find yourself awake...

half stifling a scream,

the heart is palpitating fast,

what was that? - just another nightmare...

every image so vivid, every noise so clear.

don't you let any spill out.

check the clock my dear,

its right before dawn.

the night is at its darkest right before dawn.

dawn is hope -- right?

but why does dawn seem like a curse?

there goes your chance at sleeping , my dear.

its time to get up again.

don't you let any spill out.

the night is cold...

2011-06-24T02:09:00.002+08:00

watch as the city turns from grey to white,

the day turns from day to night...

bounds and barriers

2011-06-21T02:38:00.004+08:00

im not fully bulletproof.

im not exactly a safety barrier.

im not fully shockproof.

im not a strong fence.

im not a sturdy wall.

you can lean on me, but dont expect me to always be up and ready for you to tackle me. because once i fall down, you'll never be strong enough to pick me up.

don't talk ;;

2011-06-15T21:46:00.004+08:00

when you see my face, hope it gives you hell.

careful : you're going to catch a cold. from that ice inside your soul.

lifeless

2011-06-14T21:58:00.001+08:00

butterflies

2011-06-11T23:56:00.002+08:00

Look in the mirror and see -- who's there?

a single memory ruins an entire night.

who am i to you?

smile -- even though it's breaking

2011-06-09T00:31:00.003+08:00

sometimes i end up wondering to myself, why i have to make myself go through it for another time... sometimes i wonder why i keep asking the same questions.... sometimes i know for a fact that i'm nothing but a delusional idiot...

when will i ever learn?

myself and i

2011-06-05T23:52:00.003+08:00

exhausted like hell, pushed to the brink, confused to the max,

Everything was going fine ! everything was going well ! why did you have to destroy those perfect moments? then going to bed, and wonder, was it really you that destroyed that moment or was it me? no, you cant succumb to it every time it hits you. there are times in which you just have to hold them back, and keep moving forward [no matter how painful]... ;;

angry at myself... frustrated at me... irritated by i...

when reality sinks in, life isn't a fairytale

2011-06-02T23:23:00.000+08:00

i want to catch a falling star, just hold it close to me

cover, veil and camouflage it, so no one can see.

i want to keep it just near my heart

just saying my wish over and over again ; but

suddenly the light flickers and the star dies out

the light is smothered and i'm once again filled with doubt.

i cradle the dead star turning it over in my hands

once again my head is clouded with things i don't understand.

"Sometimes we get second chances; but sometimes we never make it past the first."

it stings; it hurts

2011-06-01T22:17:00.004+08:00

what do you do when your good isn't good enough; and all that you touch tumbles down.

how can i learn how to respect you ?

how can i learn how to trust you ?

how can i learn how to believe in you ?

how can i learn to take you seriously ?

when you have never respected me,

never trusted me,

never believed in me,

never taken me seriously.

how may i ask?

numb to the core; cold.

2011-05-31T00:05:00.005+08:00

Have you ever felt nothing on the outside, but inside you are waging a war -- within an unknown territory, an ambiguous enemy, and undefined purpose and no plan to guide you. have you ever felt nothing on the outside, but everything on the inside -- through the hair and the skin and the flesh and bones to the blood and the cells of your entire being.

i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

"we stopped caring about the monsters under our beds, when we realized that they were inside us"

needing a reason to keep believing

2011-05-30T01:03:00.003+08:00

~~how do i know if i can trust you again?~~

~~how do i know if what you're saying is true?~~

you're such a lie.

you were never there.

suffocation

2011-05-29T00:21:00.002+08:00

wait, slow down.

think through and sort out your thoughts.

when the frustration sinks in, how are you going to react to it?

when the information's been processed, how are you going to take it?

>> sometimes, you just have to swallow it down and accept that truth that sometimes life isn't fair. accept the truth that some things just can't be changed.

>> sometimes, you just have to lock everything up, and continue pushing forward with what you're trying to accomplish.

>> sometimes, you just have to push it aside, and stop thinking about it.

>> sometimes, you just have to learn how to keep it to yourself instead of giving more burden to others.

blow the candles out

2011-05-27T23:33:00.003+08:00

all the games you played,

the promises you made,

couldn't finish what you've started - only darkness still remains

i never thought i'd be singing that song...

2011-05-25T22:03:00.002+08:00

learning how to keep silent

learning how to keep a straight face

learning how to keep my cool

learning how to keep my confidence

learning how to keep a smile

learning how to keep myself together

learning how to keep walking forward

learning how to keep a barrier

learning how to keep trusting in myself

learning how to keep standing up

learning how to keep groping even in the dark

learning how to keep a wall up

learning how to never let it down.

its that time,

its that date.

exactly that time and date.

can't breathe

2011-05-22T23:20:00.002+08:00

just grip it a little harder. a brief flash of pain, then relief.

a stained cloth...

the realization,

then blurred vision,

a drop,

soon blink,

the anger,

a throw,

then a scream,

and soon the pain.

the drip,

finally the silence.

so, what's your perfect lie?

2011-05-19T23:16:00.005+08:00

when you've tried something over and over and it never worked, you just kinda gave up trying. all the others kept shouting "when you fail, try again!" but they themselves never really knew what was going on. it was so easy to say try again. but honestly, im just going to give it up. the tediousness catches up to you.

[[it's no surprise i won't be here tomorrow. i can't believe that i've stayed till today. there's nothing here in this heart left to borrow, there's nothing here in this soul left to say]]

Angel of Music, you've deceived me...

2011-05-17T20:30:00.003+08:00

" the tears i might've shed for your dark fate, grow cold and turned to tears of hate "

with power lines down...

2011-05-16T02:07:00.003+08:00

hearing is different than listening.

listening is different than knowing.

knowing is different than understanding.

understanding is different than accepting.

so when you're going to tell someone "i know, i

know", ask yourself again, "do you really?" so honestly if you've got nothing better to say , then just shutup and leave. like, seriously.

a dead star,

2011-05-12T01:14:00.002+08:00

notice when the tables turn and suddenly, things that you've once loved , you now hate.

void, cancelled, simply annulled...

confusion, frustration or agitation?

2011-05-09T03:08:00.002+08:00

cut the ringing phone.

silence the melodious piano.

pause the laughing child.

turn off the television.

switch off the air conditioner.

pull down the planes in the air.

slash the howling wind.

halt the honking traffic.

close the creaking door.

stop the ticking clock.

just stand still, in the dead silence. are you sure you can think? or has the noise and movements become your distraction so that you wont think? finally all those distractions are taken away. what's really on your mind now? its nothing but yourself and the truth.

stereotypical : yeah, that's you.

2011-05-06T01:37:00.002+08:00

don't. you. dare. underestimate. me. what i'm capable of, you don't even know. what's in my mind half the time you don't have a clue. so don't even try.

underestimation

2011-05-04T00:54:00.007+08:00

disdain, scorn, abhorrence. no, no. i never said i'd accepted them when you spat them out.

~~so if i were you, i'd watch what i say. i'm on the edge, and you're pushing the limits. watch where you push, push a little more, and i might regret my actions that i'll be doing.~~

what did china do to protect herself from the northern mongolians? what happened when the wall they've built was destroyed and overcome by the mongolians?

they collapsed.

exactly.

quiet before the storm

2011-05-02T00:23:00.003+08:00

-------------------------------------------------------

You see the anger that burns from her eyes

The madness that sets her eyes ablaze,

She won't cry

No, She won't cry.

------------------------------------------------------

memories of life

2011-05-01T01:35:00.001+08:00

those aren't reasons, they're excuses.

ctrl + z

2011-04-30T01:54:00.004+08:00

" Heavy thoughts sift from the dust and the lies. Tension is building inside, steadily. Take everything from the inside and throw it away - coz i swear for the last time, i wont trust myself with you " - LP

i didn't know that blanking out would trigger it. i didn't realise how dangerous day dreaming would be... i didn't learn that letting my mind wander wasn't a great thing. i couldn't grasp that being alone could let it flood out.

the western sun

2011-04-29T01:09:00.001+08:00

the silence of the night can be both disturbing yet comforting...

hanging on to the past

2011-04-27T01:53:00.002+08:00

you best express yourself and your innermost thoughts only when you're alone.

exactly that time when you realize you're believing your own lies. right at the moment when the climax reached its peak. then and there your facade just falls apart. you become who you really are. honestly being stupid believing in your own lies and covers. being fooled into it by your own heart and mind.

fire in the rain

2011-04-25T20:35:00.004+08:00

a perfectly sculpted clay sclupture.
a fraction of a slip, it shattered into millions of pieces,
unable to be put together again.

sure it can be fixed. but it'll never be as perfect as it started out to be...

swallow it back down

2011-04-25T01:13:00.003+08:00

memories : they either create a better future for you, or haunt you to make your future bleak.

it smashes against you so fast, you dont know what hit you. it plays over and over again in your head like its on a repeat button. you cant slow it down, you cant skip it, you cant fast forward it. if it kills, it kills slowly. its unfair how one will remember a memory for the rest of his like. its worse than hell, when the sweetest memories become the worst most avoided memories...

holding on to a promise that will never happen...

insanity on its brink

2011-04-23T23:07:00.002+08:00

it takes just one spark to ignite an entire forest fire.

it takes just one word to burst out an entire life's worth of grudge.

it takes just one drop to pollute an entire tank of water.

it takes just one tear to stir up old feelings

here i am ; once again

2011-04-19T22:46:00.001+08:00

Everything is okay in the end. if its not, then its not the end.

shattered pieces

2011-04-17T23:52:00.002+08:00

"then i realized how unfair i've been, unconsciously treating you like a substitute.

then i realized how fake i've been, saying things that i don't even do.

then i realized how worthless i've been, bragging about things i can't even do.

then i realized how mistaken i've been, just fooling my own self..."

midnight sun

2011-04-07T22:42:00.003+08:00

sometimes you just don't know where to go anymore. you end up sitting on the floor just musing about thoughts that wander aimlessly around your head. then an idea slams so hard into your head, you pick up your bags and immedaitely start running again. then there's a river. but that idea is so firm in your head, you do whatever it takes to cross that river. with that determination, you swim oceans, you cross volcanos, you hike mountains, you jump crevices, you overcome every obstacle you see. then , just over a stupid banana skin someone left on the floor, you slip and fall. you break your legs and you cant walk. you end up sitting there on the floor worse than you started. an idea suddenly slams into your head so hard you pick up your bags and immediately start running again. but oh wait - you're broken right there. you use your hands to drag you, but all it does is injure you more. you know how that feels?

you'll never know

2011-04-04T23:05:00.002+08:00

why?

life that's just full of empty words and broken promises. i'm always hoping that things will look up. but when they do, something always screws up. then its back to square one.

chapters of goodbye

2011-04-03T01:36:00.004+08:00

"Here comes me wishing things had never changed..."

before the lights turn off, what is the last thing that goes through your mind?

before you close your eyes, what is the last thing that goes through your mind?

before you drift off to sleep, what is the last thing that goes through your mind?

reminiscence

2011-03-31T22:21:00.003+08:00

a crash so loud, i'll be deaf i wish

now i understand that ignorance IS bliss.

ignoring and compressing

suppressing and forgetting.

one day i know it'll go away

now i'm just hoping i'll stay okay.

just until the day will come

i somehow wish that i'll stay numb.

broken phone call

2011-03-30T23:49:00.003+08:00

when everything stacks on top of each other, it is that critical point. when the water is filling to the brink, it is that critical point. when the air is compressed, it is that critical point. when the emotions are suppressed, it is that critical point...

two different stories

2011-03-29T16:27:00.002+08:00

they say there'll be a rainbow after the storm.

they say there'll be a light after the dark.

they say there'll be a clearing in the forest.

they say there'll be a cave of air in the deep sea.

they say there'll be a dawn after the night.

where's mine?

once bitten twice shy

2011-03-25T14:51:00.005+08:00

a mass of blur

a bunch of pieces

a swirl of dreams

a cluster of memories

another yellow cab brings me back, but it is what it is - what's done is done

no? yes? maybe?

2011-03-19T08:01:00.001+08:00

"Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone.
Too often we're too stubborn to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong."
Too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to our hearts,
And we let the most foolish things tear us apart."

ordinary people

2011-03-16T22:50:00.005+08:00

my head screamed no.

my heart whispered yes.

reality told me not to go.

but hope told me to give it a shot.

i honestly knows how it feels like. i've just learnt how to shutup and accept that it is a fact. i've just learnt how to quit whining and complaining. i've just learnt that there are things in life you cant change. so whatever you're going through, i truly know what it feels like. i really do.

washed out and drained dry

2011-03-14T21:27:00.005+08:00

what happens after that? has anyone ever thought about that question? has anyone ever thought of the full consequence of any of their actions? has it never crossed anyone's mind? what happens after that?

the pot of mixed emotions

2011-03-11T23:28:00.002+08:00

im done taking risks ! im done being exposed ! im done... i just wanna stay safe now...

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant what you promised. Silly me."

2011-03-07T20:16:00.002+08:00

People change, and often they become the person they said they will never be... things will never be the same... one can only learn how to adapt and cope. as for those who take a longer time to cope, what do they do? float through the day, waiting for night to come, and sleep to numb it all away. and wake up to find another day had dawned bleakly and coldy...

tears will never help!

2011-03-06T22:24:00.005+08:00

what good is hope if all it does is to build you up, and crash you back down?

what good is ambition if its just something no one believes in?

what good is optimism if it's reality?

what good is holding on to something if it wants to let go of you?

what good is wishing if it never ever came true?!

==================================

~~after a while, you learn to deal with it silently...~~

==================================

that blind spot now revealed.

2011-03-05T12:56:00.002+08:00

&& i'm wondering to myself :

am i walking towards something?

or am i walking away?

one minute i held the key, next the walls closed in on me. and i discovered that my castles stand upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

a broken violin

2011-03-04T21:36:00.000+08:00

i dont want to go through that feeling all again.

i wont believe it.

2011-03-03T20:29:00.005+08:00

it came out like a river once i let it out, well i thought that i wouldn't know how. held on to it forever, just pushing it down...

its amazing, when something you yearn so much,

actually happens.

but it felt so weird. you don't want it to feel weird though...

but when it actually happened,

you feel scared, that it'll never happen again.

and you know you're not supposed to let it make you hope again,

because hope is dangerous.

and sometimes, hope is just bad.

because if the hope is crushed, so is the mind.

i sit and watch the rain...

2011-03-02T20:24:00.002+08:00

walking down the pavement, step by step.

you'll get to the pavement soon enough, step by step.

with every step you've taken, you're one step closer.

once you've taken a step, forget about it.

just think about going for the next step.

you fight it, but it threatens to burst.

just another step, just another step,

and you'll be in the presence of others.

once you're in their presence, it'll stop threatening.

and you wont be physically alone.

just a few more steps.

just a few more...

the sinking moon

2011-03-01T00:01:00.001+08:00

like the nightmares that haunt restless nights, just like a bottle with a pressure so great. it begs the question : am i a walking time bomb?

im not worth the worry

2011-02-27T23:43:00.004+08:00

"When i lay in bed, all the thoughts that were avoided during the day rushes back at me"

there's a girl in the mirror tonight, and she looks alright. but theres something different about her tonight. something seems odd. something isnt normal... its something that hardly anyone notices. and no amount of make up can cover it.

what happens after a goodbye?

2011-02-26T23:29:00.001+08:00

the last straw

2011-02-26T01:16:00.002+08:00

masquerade, paper faces on parade.

masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you.

masquerade, every face a different shade.

masquerade, look around - theres another mask behind you.

breaking the habit

2011-02-24T19:50:00.006+08:00

memories consume, like opening the wound - i'm picking me apart again. you all assume i'm safe here in my room unless i try to start again. i don't want to be the one the battles always choose. coz inside i realize i'm the one confused. clutching my cure, i tightly lock the door - i try to catch my breath again. i hurt much more, than anytime before. i have no options left again. i don't want to be the one the battles always choose. coz inside i realize i'm the one confused. i don't know whats worth fighting for, or why i have to scream. i don't know why i instigate, or say what i don't mean. i don't know how i got this way, i'll never be alright. so i'm breaking the habit. i'm breaking the habit tonight. i'll paint it on the walls, cause i'm the one at fault. i'll never fight again and this is how it ends. i dont know what's worth fighting for, or why i have to scream. but now i have some clarity to show you what i mean. i don't know how i got this way - i'll never be alright. so i'm breaking the habit, i'm breaking the habit, tonight

secret #32

2011-02-21T22:36:00.003+08:00

its always easier to lie,,,

Why did I let myself believe

Miracles could happen

Cause now I have to pretend

That I don't really care

the underlying story

2011-02-20T01:03:00.002+08:00

the frustration to feel that everything is not fine when all else is going well. the irritation to feel when everyone is there, but no one is really there. the disappointment to feel, when everything is broken. the annoyance to feel, when everyone is so superficial.

hues of crimson and red...

2011-02-17T21:30:00.003+08:00

The water smooth and clear as crystal

But this sight is unofficial

No one knows what really goes on

Behind the woods of this seemingly sweet pond

;; nothing goes right because nothing ever does. nothing makes sense because nothing ever does ;;

falling through the gaps

2011-02-15T22:48:00.002+08:00

"blood doesnt just come from accidents..."

close those tired eyes

let go of your dreams

the world doesnt matter

i know just what that means.

"You make yourself strong because it's expected of you.

You become confident because someone beside you is unsure.

You turn into the person others need you to be. "

i've trusted a cold monster. i'm so pathetically blind eh?

2011-02-13T01:41:00.001+08:00

i'm fine. right? i'm fine. of course i am! haha... i'll be fine. i always had been and will be, fine and alright/

i'm tired. i wanna forget it all.

2011-02-11T18:27:00.008+08:00

我曾经对天呼喊⋯⋯

"being optimistic is overrated. its better to face reality face-on."
the reason why everyone gets let down, is because they dream. when they fail, they fall down hard.

everything was a lie, everything is a lie. everything was fake. everything is fake. how could i have been so blind?! what you said had been a lie. everything. and i will refuse to believe in it again. everyone you've fooled me long enough. is there, but no one is there. everything was a lie... my whole life is probably a lie ...

alone.

2011-02-10T00:50:00.001+08:00

ignorance is bliss

2011-02-06T22:41:00.000+08:00

maybe i just grew indifferent to the small things you know? maybe i'm growing indifferent to alot of things... who knows?

assumptions destroy.

2011-02-05T23:01:00.005+08:00

"Let the rain fall down, i'm coming clean. Let it wash away, my sanity. Coz i wanna feel the thunder i wanna scream. Let the rain fall down... i'm coming clean..." i wanna be a child again, carefree and small. if only things stayed the same. i wanna feel again, i wanna be me. what i'm going through you wont ever understand anyways. what i want to do , just let me be... i'll always be wrong anyways....

i just wanna be 'me' again

... you know?

i thought... i thought... i thought wrong. everything is wrong ! nothing was ever right ! i want to get out !!! get away from everything else...

this whole life was a lie.

2011-02-04T02:22:00.003+08:00

in the real Little Mermaid story, she died. she never got her happily ever after...

the cup is broken. i tried to put it back together again, but i've accidentally cut my finger. now its bleeding and i don't know how to stop it. but the more i ignored the pain, the more it bleeds...

fine, i'll give it up.

2011-02-03T16:56:00.004+08:00

i try and try, to understand the distance in between : the love i feel and the things i fear.

there is no such thing as faith, trust, and pixie dust...

what would you do when...

the person who's judgement matter most to you,

doesnt encourage you anymore?

what would you do when...

you've given up trying?

what would you do when...

no one believes in you anymore?

you dont believe in yourself anymore?

what would you do...

the ticking clock

2011-02-02T01:40:00.002+08:00

its the night that i kept reliving in my mind.

its the night that's haunted me through the weeks.

its the night that crumbled everything else.

its the night my book closed on me.

you dont know. just like you dont know everything else. so dont you dare go around acting like you know everything. because you judge. you dont care. you wont care. you never cared. you dont know the consequences because you didnt even go through it.

what's the point?

2011-02-01T00:10:00.002+08:00

i'm not sure... are you?

they build you up, just to crush you down

2011-01-31T00:49:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wish I were like Peter Pan
Off in a far away fantasy land
Playing with faeries, no troubles, no worries
Flying away to places only in stories
Timeless forever, no future, no past, only today in my wake
To be a carefree child once again is the only wish that I make
But I have seen too much and gone too far
~~Falling again and again like a shooting star~~

insomniac

2011-01-30T00:40:00.008+08:00

Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams let it wash away my sanity 'cause I wanna feel the thunder I wanna scream let the rain fall down I'm coming clean

all you see is ice. all you feel is the cold wind. you soar and glide. and for a moment, you feel like yourself. you feel... free.

show's over

2011-01-27T23:06:00.003+08:00

your mind is set. yes. you are going to finish this task. wait, what the heck am i doing ? no, no concentrate. but your mind goes off blank. a wall of frustration and confusion is met. nothing goes right. what, what am i doing? another paper is crumpled up. frustration builds walls after walls distrups the brain. im near giving up... time is ticking. the night is ending fast. hurry... hurry...

its when being in the dark is preferred.

its when sleeping is longed for.

its when being solitary is desirable.

its when silence is needed.

its when anger's all you've got.

death valley

2011-01-26T23:45:00.004+08:00

physical pain doesnt help to distract the mental pain. it just adds...

lying on the bed, you gaze up the stars

the rain water pelting on the window

silently, silently, sleep engulfs you.

sleep is like an anesthetic. it numbs you, but only for a while...

what's next?

2011-01-23T03:02:00.002+08:00

without its spikes,

a hedgehog can't live

black and white

2011-01-22T01:32:00.003+08:00

like an artist standing in front of a blank canvas. with a palate in his left hand, a brush on his right hand. in his head is a million ideas. but his hand refuses to comply. suddenly all his ideas vanished. instead, he takes out a knife, and shreds the canvas into pieces. he burns away the blank canvas while his heart burns with it. its not like they know whats going on in his life. all they see is a crazy person, why?

paranoia

2011-01-20T20:19:00.003+08:00

answers are everywhere. you just have to open your eyes to them. but what happens, if the answer you are looking for, is actually the truth you are afraid to hear?

a fallen star

2011-01-16T23:44:00.002+08:00

you wont ever understand it, because you've never been through it. because you were the cause of it.

what a hypocritical pretense you are

2011-01-15T21:29:00.003+08:00

i'll prove to you that i'm strong than what you took me for.

i'll prove to you that i'm not weak.

i'll prove to you that i smile better without you.

i'll prove to you that i'm better off without you.

just wait and see.

flashbacks.

2011-01-13T20:03:00.002+08:00

memories haunt. good or bad, they're forever etched onto your brain. once they've made an imprint, it'll never go away. it'll come back to mock you, haunt you, and hurt you.

blind and naiive

2011-01-12T22:52:00.003+08:00

Dreams were made for sleeping

&& wishes on a star just dont come true..

when words fail

2011-01-10T00:15:00.002+08:00

you sit down, you get out your books, you try to distract yourself.

you feel it burning within you, you block it as far as possible.

you work harder on your books,

hoping that it will distract you from allowing it to spill out and roll .

the harder you work, the more it burns within you.

suddenly you stop, and you burst out laughing.

it finally spilled as you scream "What the hell am i doing !?"

disguises

2011-01-08T07:43:00.002+08:00

the same reason that keeps you up, supports you, is the very same reason that will let you down, make you fall down [hard].

what's the point?

2011-01-06T07:21:00.004+08:00

i'm someone filled with self-belief

i'm haunted by self-doubt.

i've got all the answers

i've got nothing figured out.

i like to be by myself

i hate to be alone.

listening vs hearing

2011-01-05T12:57:00.005+08:00

to listen, words are unnecessary.

what's behind that smile? what's behind those eyes? what's really behind her stories?